Tools for grief
Halloween, Thanksgiving, the first Christmas. Everyone else is celebrating, and you are carrying someone who died. You do not have to do the holiday. Here are 11 things that help, plus two bonuses. Pick one.
Bonus: a feelings wheel blanket · the blanket, and candles · the battery ones
Turn the porch light off. Close the curtains. Put your favorite movie on the big screen and get under a blanket. You don't owe anyone a costume, a toast or a smile. Choosing not to take part is a real choice, and it counts.
One tiny gem at a time gives your hands something steady to follow. We made these at my October retreat, and the whole room got quiet. The horse head set we used is here on Amazon. How to make them.
Grief lives in the body. Let someone else's hands carry some of it for an hour.
An hour where someone takes care of you and nobody asks how you're doing.
Wrap yourself up tight in your heaviest blanket, like a burrito, and stay there. Deep, even pressure tells your nervous system it is held.
Give it 20 minutes. After a flood of stress, the body needs about twenty minutes to settle. Relationship researcher John Gottman found the same thing with couples: once your heart is racing, it takes about that long to come back down. So set a timer, and let the blanket do the work.
The tortilla blanket I use is here on Amazon. Any heavy blanket works.
Put on The Gifts of Imperfection as an audiobook. Her voice keeps you company on a long night, and the whole book says the same thing: you are enough as you are, grief and all. The audiobook is here. I listen on these headphones.
Left foot, right foot. Walking is one of the simplest ways to help a body move what it's carrying. Go around the block. That's enough.
Watch the waves come in and go out. Your breath will start to follow them. A lake, a river or a bath works too.
Animals don't need you to explain anything. They just lean in.
Keep a Hong Thai herbal inhaler with you. Uncap it and breathe in slowly. That strong scent brings you back into the room, and the slow breath tells your nervous system it can come down. The ones I use are here.
Tic Tacs work the same way. Put one on your tongue and notice the strong taste. These help get you back in your body. Here's the pack I keep in my bag.
Wevana tappers are my number one tool for panic. You hold one in each hand and they buzz left, then right, the same bilateral rhythm we use in EMDR therapy. Your body follows the rhythm and starts to come back down. My link gives you 10% off with code ANGELA.
Grief comes as one big wave, and it is hard to tell what is in it. A feelings wheel blanket puts the words right on your lap. Wrap up, run your finger around the wheel and find the one closest to what you feel. Naming a feeling helps your body settle. This is the one I like.
Turn off the big lights and let the room glow. Candlelight tells your body the day is over and it can slow down. We have to always look for the light, even in the darkness. Especially in the darkness. These are battery operated, with a remote and a timer, so you can fall asleep with them on. We used them at my retreat. Here they are.
Call or text 988 in the US, any hour. You don't have to be in crisis to call. You can call because the night is long.
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These 9 are a start. My free 101 Distress Tolerance Tips is the whole list I give clients for the hard moments, sorted so you can find one that fits. Leave your name and email and I will send you the printable.